After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
i think my cat just said my name.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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