Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Sober January is a disaster.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
