I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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