Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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