Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
