Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
