i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
