stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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