How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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