Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
