I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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