my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
