you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
