You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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