I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
