Where did you get a picture of my penis
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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