his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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