I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
