I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
