New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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