if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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