ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
