ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize