last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My dad just said "fuck circus"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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