my mouth tastes like poor choices
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
