and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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