Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
