I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Randomize