yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Randomize
