i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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