o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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