Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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