I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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