can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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