it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
