how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I want a musical about memes.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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