my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
