People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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