My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
