I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
