i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Help. Why am I so naked?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
