Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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