im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I wish I only lived at night.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
