dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize