nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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