I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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