I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
