I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
