As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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