I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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