Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
