we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
