moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
