I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
