im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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