just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
50% drunk capacity currently
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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