remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
