Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
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