I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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