So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Randomize
