Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
