and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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