Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
