Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
