when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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