my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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